Ramblings of a Wandering Soul

2003-10-28T20:01:00.000-08:00

Y a-tu d'autres chose à faire pour chasser l'ennui
Que de boire tous les soirs en regardant passer ma vie?

2003-10-26T16:43:00.000-08:00

So i've been doing some soul searching lately. I've been told that I try to live up to too many expectations...that I set unrealistic goals. I guess everyone's guilty of that once and a while, but I hardly think i'm a perfectionist. Afterall, I'm writing this right now even though I have shitloads of work to do. I do expect a lot from myself...but shouldn't I? I try to do my best, but I don't really care what anyone else thinks, nor am I always trying to impress others. I hate people like that. Okay, sure, as a graduate student I do have to impress others to a point, and I do have certain expectations to live up to...that's what academia is. Understanding the expectations of others and conforming to them. But I knew that before I got myself messed up in this school stuff. And of course I want to do well. Afterall, I've only continued with school to improve my chances of working in a field that I will enjoy. Otherwise I would have stopped this nonesense long ago. So here I am, living up to ridiculous expectations, and ready to run my body through that wall. Smash my head into that wall. No, no, it's not that bad at all. I'm just embelishing. Of course, I still have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, but then who does. I think I'd be more concerned if I was certain about everything in my life. Certainty is always uncertain. I like it that way. I like uncertainty. Or have I just learned to expect uncertainty?

2003-08-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

Good is just an illusion that people create for themselves to shield them from the bad that is life.

2003-08-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

I often wonder how many people get through life. I tend to be one of these people that gets itchy feet. I've done a fair bit in my young life...travelled my country and select parts of the world. Lived in another city for a few years. Met numerous wonderous people. Earned a university degree and begun work on another. And yet I still feel like i've been in one place too long. Like I need a new adventure. And then I go home. I'm always amazed by how many of my old friends are still living at home, still in the same relationships, still in their third year of studies, still working in the local garage. It baffles me every time. I know that everyone's different and that a number of people can lead happy and successful lives while remaining in their home town with their close friends and family around them. What bothers me is how many people never leave home or try anything new because they're too scared. I was never very outgoing as a child. I didn't like to speak up in class or try new things. I'm still somewhat introverted and I certainly consider myself a bit of a loner. I like it that way. But I don't let it stop me from enjoying life. From seeing what's out there. I keep thinking of all the opportunities I've passed up, even though i've done more than a lot of people I know. Now I'm the one that's scared...scared of becoming like all those people at home. Settling with a job I don't like, for a partner i've lost passion for, in a city I feel trapped in. I have the power to avoid this, but why then do so many people get caught in such a trap? And, more importantly, how do they get out?

2003-07-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

The pink pills are for your sanity...

2003-07-13T01:23:00.000-07:00

Screw you. Yes you. You know that I'm talking about you. I can't stand the way you make me feel. Like there's no one else in the world for you but me. That we're meant to be together. That I'm willing to sabotage all my plans just so that we can be together. And then you fuck it all up. How dare you treat me this way. How dare I let you do it. I hate myself for feeling this way. For letting you in. Why do I do it? I'm strong, I'm independent, I can take care of myself. And yet I have this self-destructive element within me that you seem to be able to bring out so well. There's always one person that can fuck with your brain, and you're that person. And I hate you for that. As much as I love you, I hate you for everything you've put me through. But I'm stupid and I keep coming back for more. What a pathetic excuse i've become. I can't look at myself anymore. What a waste. What a stupid bloody waste. Please go away and stop doing this to me. You have to. I want to be myself again. I want to be happy. And I don't think that you can be a part of that. Goodbye.

2003-06-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

Alone again. I think I went through just about every emotion you can think of today. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration, but I certainly covered more than could ever be considered healthy. Now, it's understandable that one would be a little upset and depressed when one's roommate of one year leaves town, along with a few good friends, and a parent. Nothing serious, just the natural changing of the local landscape, but it's left a lonely feeling inside me. I'm used to change, used to being on my own, all that...in fact, everything else in my life is fairly steady right now, and i've still got great friends around me. But all of a sudden I feel more vulnerable. Less indestructible. Of course, this is a snap reaction, since all this only really hit today. I am surprised, however, at how quickly the emotions hit. I don't tend to be an overly emotional person. In fact, some might say I'm a little on the cold side. I have my moments. But something just set me off today. A combination of lack of sleep, stress, and an overly exciting weekend. Then everyone left and I went back to siting at my desk. That's enough to make anyone a little sad. I felt much more than sad today. I felt like punching someone, I felt like burning all my belongings and leaving town, I felt like giving someone a hug. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, there was no one here to help me carry out these desires. I know this will all pass, but at the end of the day, whether I'm generally happy or not, I'll still be lonely. I miss everyone that left. I miss those of you who aren't here. I miss those of you who are here. I miss myself.

2003-05-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know why it's so hard for me to tell you these things, or why it's so hard for you to believe that they might be true. But they are. So why then is it so hard for me to open up to you. I can talk to you about anything. And we do talk about everything. Except our feelings for each other. Why is it so hard for me to tell you that I love you. That I've always loved you, and that I always will. You have found a place in my heart that no one else will ever have. And I scared to tell you that because I don't know what will happen if I do. I'm so scared of losing you. Of losing the one thing that I have held on to. The one thing that I have taken with me and let infiltrate all my different lives. I know you love me, but I don't think that you will ever tell me that either. I know that you won't tell me because you don't think that I could love you back. But I do. I love you more than you know. I love you more than you love me. I just can't tell you that. And I don't think I ever will. It's not cowardice. It's self-preservation. But for now, I am thinking about you and I am loving you. And I always will. I love you.

2003-05-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

I wish you were here with me. Or maybe I wish I was there with you. What I really wish is that we could go somewhere completely different, but be there together. I know that I have a tendancy to move around a lot. That I have difficulty staying in one place for long. Maybe this reflects my own problems with committing or investing my energy into something. But that's not the case. I'm not afraid to commit. And I'm not running away. Not from my family, not from my problems, and not from you. I know you probably don't believe me, but you should. You always assume that I feel certain ways, or that my actions mean certain things. But you never ask me how I really feel. Better still, you never tell me how you really feel. I know I should try harder. I know that I should try to make things work between us. But it's so hard when you can't seem to understand how I'm feeling. You don't understand how much I miss you when I'm away. How I long to hear your voice or read your words. You don't understand how much I care for you, or how much you mean to me.

2003-05-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

I wonder where you are tonight. What you're doing. You're probably off working on some great project. Or maybe sitting at home, watching a movie in your room. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I know you don't think that I care about you at all, but I do. You seem to think that I have a cold heart. That I enjoy running away and keeping everyone at a distance. Well that's not true. Not at all. I miss you more than I can say. I miss our long walks on the beach. I miss talking about nothing and everything, about all those little things that we never seem to talk about with anyone else but can't wait to tell each other about. I just got home from a friend's house warming. Good times, good people, but I couldn't help feeling that loneliness creeping back into me. It seems to come and go. Lately, I've been lucky. It's been gone more that it's been here. That's usually not the case. But now I'm afraid that the emptiness is returning and when it does, I know it will stay.

2003-05-12T19:32:00.000-07:00

Welcome my pretties...I hope you enjoy your stay...