Tuesday, October 28, 2003

 
Y a-tu d'autres chose à faire pour chasser l'ennui
Que de boire tous les soirs en regardant passer ma vie?

Katya posted this at 8:01 PM.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

 
So i've been doing some soul searching lately. I've been told that I try to live up to too many expectations...that I set unrealistic goals. I guess everyone's guilty of that once and a while, but I hardly think i'm a perfectionist. Afterall, I'm writing this right now even though I have shitloads of work to do. I do expect a lot from myself...but shouldn't I? I try to do my best, but I don't really care what anyone else thinks, nor am I always trying to impress others. I hate people like that. Okay, sure, as a graduate student I do have to impress others to a point, and I do have certain expectations to live up to...that's what academia is. Understanding the expectations of others and conforming to them. But I knew that before I got myself messed up in this school stuff. And of course I want to do well. Afterall, I've only continued with school to improve my chances of working in a field that I will enjoy. Otherwise I would have stopped this nonesense long ago. So here I am, living up to ridiculous expectations, and ready to run my body through that wall. Smash my head into that wall. No, no, it's not that bad at all. I'm just embelishing. Of course, I still have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, but then who does. I think I'd be more concerned if I was certain about everything in my life. Certainty is always uncertain. I like it that way. I like uncertainty. Or have I just learned to expect uncertainty?
Katya posted this at 4:43 PM.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

 
Good is just an illusion that people create for themselves to shield them from the bad that is life.
Katya posted this at 9:51 PM.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

 
I often wonder how many people get through life. I tend to be one of these people that gets itchy feet. I've done a fair bit in my young life...travelled my country and select parts of the world. Lived in another city for a few years. Met numerous wonderous people. Earned a university degree and begun work on another. And yet I still feel like i've been in one place too long. Like I need a new adventure. And then I go home. I'm always amazed by how many of my old friends are still living at home, still in the same relationships, still in their third year of studies, still working in the local garage. It baffles me every time. I know that everyone's different and that a number of people can lead happy and successful lives while remaining in their home town with their close friends and family around them. What bothers me is how many people never leave home or try anything new because they're too scared. I was never very outgoing as a child. I didn't like to speak up in class or try new things. I'm still somewhat introverted and I certainly consider myself a bit of a loner. I like it that way. But I don't let it stop me from enjoying life. From seeing what's out there. I keep thinking of all the opportunities I've passed up, even though i've done more than a lot of people I know. Now I'm the one that's scared...scared of becoming like all those people at home. Settling with a job I don't like, for a partner i've lost passion for, in a city I feel trapped in. I have the power to avoid this, but why then do so many people get caught in such a trap? And, more importantly, how do they get out?
Katya posted this at 5:12 PM.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

 
The pink pills are for your sanity...
Katya posted this at 9:25 PM.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

 
Screw you. Yes you. You know that I'm talking about you. I can't stand the way you make me feel. Like there's no one else in the world for you but me. That we're meant to be together. That I'm willing to sabotage all my plans just so that we can be together. And then you fuck it all up. How dare you treat me this way. How dare I let you do it. I hate myself for feeling this way. For letting you in. Why do I do it? I'm strong, I'm independent, I can take care of myself. And yet I have this self-destructive element within me that you seem to be able to bring out so well. There's always one person that can fuck with your brain, and you're that person. And I hate you for that. As much as I love you, I hate you for everything you've put me through. But I'm stupid and I keep coming back for more. What a pathetic excuse i've become. I can't look at myself anymore. What a waste. What a stupid bloody waste. Please go away and stop doing this to me. You have to. I want to be myself again. I want to be happy. And I don't think that you can be a part of that. Goodbye.
Katya posted this at 1:23 AM.

Monday, June 02, 2003

 
Alone again. I think I went through just about every emotion you can think of today. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration, but I certainly covered more than could ever be considered healthy. Now, it's understandable that one would be a little upset and depressed when one's roommate of one year leaves town, along with a few good friends, and a parent. Nothing serious, just the natural changing of the local landscape, but it's left a lonely feeling inside me. I'm used to change, used to being on my own, all that...in fact, everything else in my life is fairly steady right now, and i've still got great friends around me. But all of a sudden I feel more vulnerable. Less indestructible. Of course, this is a snap reaction, since all this only really hit today. I am surprised, however, at how quickly the emotions hit. I don't tend to be an overly emotional person. In fact, some might say I'm a little on the cold side. I have my moments. But something just set me off today. A combination of lack of sleep, stress, and an overly exciting weekend. Then everyone left and I went back to siting at my desk. That's enough to make anyone a little sad. I felt much more than sad today. I felt like punching someone, I felt like burning all my belongings and leaving town, I felt like giving someone a hug. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, there was no one here to help me carry out these desires. I know this will all pass, but at the end of the day, whether I'm generally happy or not, I'll still be lonely. I miss everyone that left. I miss those of you who aren't here. I miss those of you who are here. I miss myself.
Katya posted this at 10:18 PM.